A word that best describes me? Nonsense lol. I am seriously irreverently serious. A dozen are accurate, so any one is inaccurate, yet that is the nature of social relationships. Labels, categories, boxes. If you fall for that prejudicial pretense of knowing someone, we probably won't be close friends.
Words may be a waste of time for we will never know each other through words alone, no less through just a few (hundred), but I do love words so here we are. Most of my friends know some part of me, but no one today knows more than half of my personality or interests because that takes time. I have lots of activity friends, no best friends. You are someone who will share that time it takes to become friends. Be open, honest, willing, and able to share yourself or we'll be wasting time - please do not pretend.
In this life, I find friendly conversation with most anyone, however rarely do I find truly intimate compatibility on any level. Intimacy i not sexuality in this sense, I've been asexual for many years and am not looking for a sexual fling. I seek to share intellect and emotions more than anything else, for the body is way too easy to share and please. Sexuality is too often misinterpreted as compatibility or even falling in love and I think that is the biggest mistake people make when interacting. I believe that the more you overcome your fears in healthy and positive ways, the better you will be able to share yourself.
If this profile will allow a link, then http://candoor.net is one way to know me. There you'll find a lot of words that detail my interests, including dozens of 'blogs', some personal some play some just kept like filing cabinets online. I've been writing since I could first hold a crayon. I love music of many genre from the Beatles (old and well known) to Meg & Dia (new and little known), from hard rock to show tunes and much in between. Songwriters: Harry Chapin, Jackson Browne, Pink Floyd, and John Lennon wrote words that are part of my psyche, as did Melissa Etheridge, Billy Joel, John Denver, Paul Simon, Tim Rice, Justin Hayward, Bernie Taupin, Stevi Nicks, Bob Dylan, and so many others. While lyrics may be my first love, musical journeys span from classical to heavy metal.
So I love words, writing, reading, communicating and playing with them. I love stories that stretch the imagination and challenge the status quo, such as science fiction and sociological allegories. I play softball in leagues a few times a week, each. Love of self is reflected in the body and if you are not loving yourself, I hope you start soon.I with share motivation as I can use some too. I enjoy some tv, especially when a friend enjoys a show with me. I used to watch a few shows with my roommate each week and I miss that. I love live theater, live music, life. I love to sing, ah, if only there were a hundred hours in each day.
My weekends are as busy as I want them to be as I have different groups of friends for my diverse interests (gee, I almost sound popular). Some days I stay home relaxing with tv, book, youtube, reading web pages, or some geeky activity involving computers or other gadgets. I do not drink or take any drugs to get high anymore (I've tried them all long ago so I don't condemn or preach as I once enjoyed chemically induced alternative consciousnesses, I can just get there internally now because, after all, the brain does it all anyway).
My primary goal in this life has always been to live honestly without harm and most of the time I achieve it (nobody's perfect - and who wants to be nobody, ya know?). Sharing life with a partner who shares everything is a goal I've not achieves, though I've had long relationships that have come close. I am very happy within myself, enjoy life alone, and love sharing with others. I am looking for someone who fits me as I fit them. That may not happen in this life, but I remain a hopeful child :)
Still reading?... ah, see, there is hope :)
This site, like most, limits the accuracy of profiles with fixed pull down menus. It refused to let me leave "birth parents" blank. I was adopted, so the question is moot. Another inaccuracy is my date of birth. I will not provide online profiles with a date of birth for that makes identity theft too easy. If it matters, I am an Aries and the year is one year off. I work in a sensitive job in the public sector and must maintain some distance between my online activities and my professional life. Ask me face to face and I will explain more. See, I can be serious too :)
This site suggests that I point out what makes me unique. Probably have too much already? (ah, I love self-mockery, but you might have noticed by now). I have no need for the common crutches and communal supports that most people seem to need in this life. As I see it, religion is a dangerous delusion that provokes and provides justification for more harm than any other single concept in human history or daily life. Politics is mostly for control freaks and there are way too many fighting for control due to their insecurities, greed, and other inadequacies. While I disagree with some of what George Carlin said on the subjects, he articulated many opinions that makes sense to me and there is more wisdom in his words than in most humans I've listened to. Harry Chapin too. I respect some human fears, but do not share many. I think clothing is a pretense people hide behind, like makeup and titles and money and other masks, to cover up their fear of being real. I see people pretend all the time. I sense the realness within and feel sad they try so hard to hide it. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I see people hurting themselves all the time and when intimate, I will not ignore self-harm or remain silent about it because remaining silent about it is not my way (silent acceptance of harm is harm). I am far from perfect, but I am internally self-actualized and aware when I want to be. I am told that it is challenging to relate to me because I am "too" something - diverse, innocent, idealistic, intelligent, energetic, child-like, eclectic, stubborn, strong, sensitive, open, honest, intense, different, simple, complex, out there). Wordy? lol. The one I seek is out there with me :)
I am known as Bugs Webbot on facebook and candor on myspace the links on those pages will tell you more about me. The simplest way to know me is just ask. My approach to these social networking websites (and I’ve tried hundreds over the years) is - if I find a friend here, wonderful. If I find someone who might become a partner in life, amazing... I hope you amaze me :)
Whatever you do, may you give it your all and create more smiles than frowns along the way :)
This is continued from above because of character limits on this site...
What does ambition even mean to you? They force us to select too many labels here and that provides an inaccurate profile, but I mentioned that already, didn't I? Land of the free, ha lol :)
Ok, so at first I selected "other relationship" from the list above because I have friends, but don't have a best friend. I can find a lover (as Billy Joel sang), but do not have an intimate partner. I have dreams, but do not have a soulmate in life today. I am looking for people who can relate to me more closely, intimately, universally, and hopefully one person will feel the same partnership with me that I seek. I selected "a few extra pounds" once because I am more comfortable with less weight on this body than I have today, but I am also able to run around with kids regularly playing ball..I love food, so there is a balance to be found.
On a purely physical level (which is not what I seek, but you may wish to know), I respect healthy fitness and that is attractive for me. Flab and fat are not because they are signs of unhealthy laziness or even self-abuse..Be honest in your love. I strongly suggest that if you feel fat, flabby, or old (on any level, physically, emotionally, intellectually, ethereally), then focus your energy on improving your feeling about yourself before you look for self-esteem outside of yourself. I hope you actualize love for yourself in every way.
So I switched to "Friends" because that is where any truly meaningful relationship must begin (wild passionate sex is not a complete enough relationship for me, no matter how perfectly passionate and fun. If you want to turn on my libido and only my libido, you probably will not get what you want, but you can try cuz, as the Stones sang, sometimes... if you fit the narrow libido fantasy, that is... we can mock libido and ego all we want when we are friends :)
Dating? I don't think I've ever been on a what most people seem to call date in this life. My few close relationships started by chance meeting through work or through friendly gatherings. The time for sharing sensual pleasures, for me, is after we are close friends. Whether in the ambiance of a favorite restaurant or with the sand sliding between our toes on a secluded beach or immersed in the excitement of any favorite activity - or intimate stimulation of our senses, I am open, but cautious. We can prove how much we care about each other after we know each other well enough to know we care for each other, anytime before that is pretense. I don't do pretense well at all. Call it a social flaw.
I want to know your awkward pauses. I want to know you and I want you to know me without the games or pretenses or rituals. All I ask is that you do not intentionally cause harm or avoid sharing yourself without telling me. Stay honest above all else.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
What I mean is... (in case it matters)...
I live that, the words, the life, the addiction to love, the insatiable hunger for giving, sharing, trusting, falling, loving... the chemical rush, high, euphoria, love.
I save myself by raising my standard, separating this body from the mind, rejecting humanity as an unstable, untrustworthy, unrelatable species. Waiting for the one who understands, who can actualize the unconditional trust and honesty it takes to do it right, to love forever...
Honesty is such a lonely word...
Is there anybody going to listen to my story...
The words, the songs, the message...
Time time time it's telling us a story)...
from the beginning ... and before...
Even though I sometimes forget who I am...
Maybe, maybe I'm wrong...
So long sleeping, but the heart still beats...
so many ways, so many times...
shhhhh, the wisdom and folly are two sides of the coin that I flip every day...
as distraction, remember my space?
could be songs we never heard or foolish wisdoms echoing from the madhouse on the other side of the wall...
look into the words, and find me there...
Saturday, February 10, 2018
As casual as we may want to be, finding a roommate is a serious step. Inviting a stranger into our lives, into the intimacy of shared living space, into a commitment to being in close proximity and interacting every day - that is a major life change. That is a big reason I procrastinate about moving from the "known" to the "unknown." I want more space than I have renting a room where I am, I want to share an apartment or house, but change is not always easy. So I wonder... are we all in search of the perfect roommate?... and what if it's us? :)
We will never know unless we communicate, introduce ourselves, and move forward. I will never know until I stop procrastinating about finding a better place. There is just so little time... how about you? What I am looking for is a compatible honest responsible respectful considerate open minded positive person who can share space comfortably. Location matters to me. I want a place near I4 as I work in downtown Sanford and play ball in Altamonte several times a week. I am looking to share a 2-2 split floorplan as that allows more privacy. I do not want a rent a room in someone's house - I want to share a place and make it home.
So who am I... I seek honesty and kindness. I am what I seek. Mutual respect is essential. I am quiet at home, clean, considerate, active in sports & recreation, responsible, reliable, and a kid at heart too busy enjoying life to feed stress or drama. My last roommate (photos) of six years will be happy to answer questions about me. My profession requires a level 2 background check by the feds, so if that helps, feel free to check me out. I find humor in just about everything, but am serious about caring for others and finding a compatible roommate.
If you are looking to share a place or want look for one with a hopeful new friend, please write candoor at gmail. Bugs Webbot is me on Facebook - friend me (or spy on me lol... you might like me). My telephone number is there too, feel free to text or call and introduce yourself. Are you my new roommate? Good luck in your search :)
Unfortunately, it shows up like this:
Hi :) As casual as we may want to be, finding a roommate is a serious step. Inviting a stranger into our lives, into the intimacy of shared living space, into a commitment to being in close proximity and interacting every day - that is a major life change. That is a big reason I procrastinate about moving from the "known" to the "unknown." I want more space than I have renting a room where I am, I want to share an apartment or house, but change is not always easy. So I wonder... are we all in search of the perfect roommate?... and what if it's us? :) We will never know unless we communicate, introduce ourselves, and move forward. I will never know until I stop procrastinating about finding a better place. There is just so little time... how about you? What I am looking for is a compatible honest responsible respectful considerate open minded positive person who can share space comfortably. Location matters to me. I want a place near I4 as I work in downtown Sanford and play ball in Altamonte several times a week. I am looking to share a 2-2 split floorplan as that allows more privacy. I do not want a rent a room in someone's house - I want to share a place and make it home. So who am I... I seek honesty and kindness. I am what I seek. Mutual respect is essential. I am quiet at home, clean, considerate, active in sports & recreation, responsible, reliable, and a kid at heart too busy enjoying life to feed stress or drama. My last roommate (photos) of six years will be happy to answer questions about me. My profession requires a level 2 background check by the feds, so if that helps, feel free to check me out. I find humor in just about everything, but am serious about caring for others and finding a compatible roommate. If you are looking to share a place or want look for one with a hopeful new friend, please write candoor at gmail. Bugs Webbot is me on Facebook - friend me (or spy on me lol... you might like me). My telephone number is there too, feel free to text or call and introduce yourself. Are you my new roommate? Good luck in your search :)
Saturday, January 6, 2018
Maybe they are open minded intelligent girls who have not found what they seek and would be willing to take a chance on me. I'll never know unless I reach out, so here goes:
Hi... I am writing instead of texting so as not to invade your privacy in your phone because I am not female and I am older. I hope you read through before you delete because I am looking for exactly what you are looking for - a respectful safe roommate to keep expenses down because good neighborhoods are expensive these days.
My interest is keeping the rent under $700 a month in a safe, clean, comfortable positive space with respectful, relatively compatible, people. I am not looking for a relationship with you other than a friendly respectful responsible roommate(s). I know how to share comfortable and I know how to respect privacy and space and that is what I look for in roommates.
I might be a last resort, but maybe you need a last resort and that would be great for me, so I figure I'l say hello and let you decide.
So if you feel exhausted searching and have not found the right fit, feel free to interview me, test me, background screen me, ask my friends (my last roommate is in the photos in my profile - she fell in love and I'll dance at her wedding).
I work 8-5ish Mon-Fri, so I am usually out 7-6PM. Five days a week I play softball 3 evenings, not home until late, and both weekend days. I eat out a lot (friends call me a foodie) but also love to cook in a clean kitchen when I have time. At home I write, love music, thoughtful movies, and enjoy some TV (but always keep the volume so only I can hear unless everyone wants to listen to or watch the same thing).
I've worked in health care most of my career as a Paramedic/LPN, Administrator, Quality Director, Risk Manager (currently licensed in Florida), and currently work for Seminole County as the county Safety Officer. Level 2 Federal background checks are part of work life for me and my last one was last January. I have a lot of respect for Nurses - you are the backbone of quality health care.
So you are, in many ways, right for me as roommates. Professionals in a caring profession who understand the benefit and compromise of roommates.
I am right for you as a roommate in every way but gender and age.
If you don't find a female in your current age range, consider talking to me and finding out more. Ask anything, I respect honesty.
Thanks for reading. If you decide not to respond, I hope you find what you are looking for.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Anyway, this is today's contribution to this blog of introductions and whatever... a much ore serious entry than this introduction may suggest, in fact, touches of the core of who I am and my fundamental perspective in this life... but expressing it is sometimes so wonderfully hopeful and peaceful and satisfying that the cavalier smile of the hitchhiker setting off to new adventures is findly spreading through the experience and giving pause for smiles and a giggle or few... as I said, understanding, ya know?... long may we run :)
Years after it was written I find this post as I searched... BFF is bullshit. After reading, I disagree with myself lol. And I thank you for that, if you happen to find this comment.
For Grace (and for you) I hope things are better at school, socially, and in life.
I am just finally coming to that point in a relationship where I see rainbows through the tears and remember wise words that Gary Morris sang - 'it's hard to find a new dream, with an old one in your eyes.' Relationships are very much like dreams. Illusions of bonding and sharing and being "one" with someone else.
Reality is that we are all alone in our bodies and minds and can only share an illusion of being 'together' by mutually buying into being 'together' in the moment and by believing the promise that we will stay 'together' for future moments. That is a relationship, with or without romance.
For six years I lived with someone who called me BFF. I smiled and thought to myself, what a cute new way to say 'best friend' as I reminded myself that forever is an ideal dream not to be trusted and yet, after six years, even though there was no romance or promises beyond "BFF" and always staying in touch, I bought into the concept of always being close and in touch. That ended when she fell in love and suddenly, the daily contact was gone except for texts and lately, even those are drifting away and slowing to the occasional emoji.
It seems so strange to call it 'the grieving process', but it is just that. I may have finally reached acceptance this week as I laugh a bit at the duality of genuinely feeling comfortable with 'BFF is bullshit" and 'I want a BFF' in the same breath.
I want the illusion. I want to share the illusion. 'So sue me,' I say to myself as I laugh at the absurdity and simplicity I find in the feeling.
I hope you and Grace find the relationship(s) you seek in life, whatever they may be. Jackson Browne's "The Late Show' plays in my head as I bid you farewell. A few lines that has carried me through many storms in this life. I'll close with two of them now...
"Now to see things clear it's hard enough I knowand...
When you're waiting for reality to show
When you're dreaming of a perfect love and holding it so high above
you can stumble on to something real and never know..."
"Everyone I've ever known has wished me wellMay we all find the real friend... the one who knowingly shares the illusion that we are not alone. :)
Anyway that's how it seems, it's hard to tell
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing
'Cause that's easier than letting on how little they could care
But when you know that you've got a real friend somewhere
Suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear."
Friday, November 3, 2017
I seem to be rather incorrigible, still, hopelessly hopefully reaching out to strangers in that hopelessly hopeful hope of finding friends, at least one who will truly understand me at my depths, who will see beyond the surface and reflective pools I sometimes fall into to find my core where the child gleefully plays in timeless wonder and euphoria that I experience simply from the conscious awareness of being alive in this body in this life. All the words do not come close to explaining or expressing me. A few may have seen me, between the lines or in my eyes, but no one today. No one in the now, at least not for sure. I hope out hope for two, but they may not actually know me in conscious reality.
So here is another attempt at starting a conversation. Another message in a bottle. The conversation, if it continues or not, is part of the new blog, for what it's worth, and the second attempt following a positive response to the first attempt linked previously in this paragraph is below. I was past ready for sleep when I found the email that told me I had a message on the pen pal website and the drive to want to share overcame the closing eyes to respond with yet another mostly introductory letter thusly:
Sleepy here. I rebel against ageism and have since I first experienced it at about four years old. When asked for "age" I sometimes respond why? Especially online. Especially if communicating with someone who will likely never share eye contact due to distance. The age hangup is one of the many delusions people use to judge and build walls and put each other in boxes. Delusions are a waste of time.
My mind still thinks it is four years old, my heart feels like it is always seventeen, my soul or anima or whatever it may be called is as ageless as time itself, my spirit is reborn each time I open my eyes and this body has been doing it's best to keep up with me for 61 years. I think I was about 13 when I first wrote that and it remains my most honest response to "how old are you?"
Hey, you asked lol (hope you are laughing more than rolling your eyes or scratching your head) :)
I would have been asleep a few hours ago as I've gotten little sleep this week, but a shoot out and a dozen police cars and ambulances and news vans and half the neighborhood right outside my door kept me away. I live in a ghetto at the moment, yeah, scary out there. I texted the news and a video to a friend who works for a news station and she was appreciative. I am getting past losing my best friend (we were roommates at work (eight years) and at home (six years), that is, she fell in love and doesn't have time for me anymore. I am happy she is in love, just miss her. I mention that because I did not really have anyone I wanted to call and talk to about the war zone outside my door because don't have anyone close these days except for a few people very sensitive friends who do not deal with anxiety well and I want to apologize for adding to your scary view of the world and also thank you for accepting these words so it feels like I have a friend. Not delusion, just hope.
For clarity, the difference between delusion and illusion for me is delusion someone fooling themselves without knowing it. Illusion is someone creating a perspective and perception of belief with full cognitive awareness. Delusions turn off senses and intelligence. Illusions inspire creativity and learning. Delusions put heads in the sand. Illusions keep heads above ground, sometimes in the clouds, sometimes real as it gets. Or something like that.
"Or something like that" is my way of mocking myself when I sound like a know-it-all. Self-mockery keeps my ego in check. I like laughing at myself. Anyway, Illusions are life. Richard Bach had that right.
I love music. http://heartmindsong.blogspot.com that would be the start of a soundtrack for a movie about me if one was to be made. Those songs are songs that represent me, reflect me, and communicate me to myself and to this world. I also use TV shows to distract myself from loneliness. I dive into the illusion of a cast of characters and let them become imaginary friends or even family. It's one way I deal with loneliness and not having any family. Adopted as an infant, never having any biological family and having delusional adopted families, I create family by adopting people. Most people don't understand that because it may not be completely possible to actually understand and feel the experience of not having biological family ties when one has biological family ties. It is a separation of understanding and empathy I live with.
Curiosity asks me to ask who you might wake up? Your consideration inspires my smile. :)
So much more in my head to write
Really must find sleep tonight
Thank you for inspiring me to
want to write these words to you
Once upon a time I snail mailed to more than a hundred pen friends. I published two pen pal magazines in the late 80s and early 90s. Copies are in storage just north of Niagara Falls. They have been in storage along with hundreds of other boxes since 1995. That is a very long story for another time. Back to snail mail, I have rubber stamped and decorated envelopes and filled boxes with goodies and a whole lot more. I haven't sent a letter with a stamp on it in many years. I don't even write checks and mail payments, everything is electronic. I don't know if that sort of glee will return at the moment for a few reasons, but primarily because of my living situation. Another long story (shorter than others) for another time.
I will find mail at email@example.com faster than I will here.
Over the last two decades my faith in people and my hope for finding people I can truly trust unconditionally has waned to, at times, frightening proportions. A whole lot of abandonment, betrayal, and some abuse from my first breaths has lead me here. I am still hopelessly hopeful, I just forget I am sometimes lately.
Most of the time I am in a giddy euphoria inside. It's when I look outside that I can feel depressed. Linda Ronstadt singing "You Tell Me That I'm Falling Down" comes to mind a lot lately. I love my world. :)
So here's a little more about me. Tell me about you? Start anywhere and keep going as long as you like.
I appreciate the inspiration you provided :)
Maybe the inspiration will continue...
there's always hope...
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Are you my mother? lol... It is a reference to a book I read as a child and comes to mind as I read your words in your profile because they so much of what a lot of this life experience has been for me. Hopefully you're laughing too. I am busy enjoying life, yet still want to share more. If I don't return here you can find me at candoor.net and firstname.lastname@example.org and even on Facebook, sort of lol. May life bring you more smiles than frowns and yes, let's leave this sadly confused world a better place for everyone :)