Saturday, February 10, 2018

New Profile

For the roommate website. I've tried being brief, I've tried being real, I've tried being superificial like 99% of the entries on the site. So now I am trying this.

Hi :)

As casual as we may want to be, finding a roommate is a serious step. Inviting a stranger into our lives, into the intimacy of shared living space, into a commitment to being in close proximity and interacting every day - that is a major life change. That is a big reason I procrastinate about moving from the "known" to the "unknown." I want more space than I have renting a room where I am, I want to share an apartment or house, but change is not always easy. So I wonder... are we all in search of the perfect roommate?... and what if it's us? :)

We will never know unless we communicate, introduce ourselves, and move forward. I will never know until I stop procrastinating about finding a better place. There is just so little time... how about you? What I am looking for is a compatible honest responsible respectful considerate open minded positive person who can share space comfortably. Location matters to me. I want a place near I4 as I work in downtown Sanford and play ball in Altamonte several times a week. I am looking to share a 2-2 split floorplan as that allows more privacy. I do not want a rent a room in someone's house - I want to share a place and make it home.

So who am I... I seek honesty and kindness. I am what I seek. Mutual respect is essential. I am quiet at home, clean, considerate, active in sports & recreation, responsible, reliable, and a kid at heart too busy enjoying life to feed stress or drama. My last roommate (photos) of six years will be happy to answer questions about me. My profession requires a level 2 background check by the feds, so if that helps, feel free to check me out. I find humor in just about everything, but am serious about caring for others and finding a compatible roommate.

If you are looking to share a place or want look for one with a hopeful new friend, please write candoor at gmail. Bugs Webbot is me on Facebook - friend me (or spy on me lol... you might like me). My telephone number is there too, feel free to text or call and introduce yourself. Are you my new roommate? Good luck in your search :)


Unfortunately, it shows up like this:

Hi :) As casual as we may want to be, finding a roommate is a serious step. Inviting a stranger into our lives, into the intimacy of shared living space, into a commitment to being in close proximity and interacting every day - that is a major life change. That is a big reason I procrastinate about moving from the "known" to the "unknown." I want more space than I have renting a room where I am, I want to share an apartment or house, but change is not always easy. So I wonder... are we all in search of the perfect roommate?... and what if it's us? :) We will never know unless we communicate, introduce ourselves, and move forward. I will never know until I stop procrastinating about finding a better place. There is just so little time... how about you? What I am looking for is a compatible honest responsible respectful considerate open minded positive person who can share space comfortably. Location matters to me. I want a place near I4 as I work in downtown Sanford and play ball in Altamonte several times a week. I am looking to share a 2-2 split floorplan as that allows more privacy. I do not want a rent a room in someone's house - I want to share a place and make it home. So who am I... I seek honesty and kindness. I am what I seek. Mutual respect is essential. I am quiet at home, clean, considerate, active in sports & recreation, responsible, reliable, and a kid at heart too busy enjoying life to feed stress or drama. My last roommate (photos) of six years will be happy to answer questions about me. My profession requires a level 2 background check by the feds, so if that helps, feel free to check me out. I find humor in just about everything, but am serious about caring for others and finding a compatible roommate. If you are looking to share a place or want look for one with a hopeful new friend, please write candoor at gmail. Bugs Webbot is me on Facebook - friend me (or spy on me lol... you might like me). My telephone number is there too, feel free to text or call and introduce yourself. Are you my new roommate? Good luck in your search :)

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Three's Company?

Seeing a friendly roommate listing with a phone number in it, but seeking a female in an age range younger than mine, I decided to respond with the following because the listing is ideal... two people looking for a third roommate. That is ideal financially because it opens up almost any area in town in comfortable to luxury places for less, maybe a lot less than what I spend now... but it is very challenging to find.

Maybe they are open minded intelligent girls who have not found what they seek and would be willing to take a chance on me. I'll never know unless I reach out, so here goes:

Hi... I am writing instead of texting so as not to invade your privacy in your phone because I am not female and I am older. I hope you read through before you delete because I am looking for exactly what you are looking for - a respectful safe roommate to keep expenses down because good neighborhoods are expensive these days.

My interest is keeping the rent under $700 a month in a safe, clean, comfortable positive space with respectful, relatively compatible, people. I am not looking for a relationship with you other than a friendly respectful responsible roommate(s). I know how to share comfortable and I know how to respect privacy and space and that is what I look for in roommates.

I might be a last resort, but maybe you need a last resort and that would be great for me, so I figure I'l say hello and let you decide.

So if you feel exhausted searching and have not found the right fit, feel free to interview me, test me, background screen me, ask my friends (my last roommate is in the photos in my profile - she fell in love and I'll dance at her wedding).

I work 8-5ish Mon-Fri, so I am usually out 7-6PM. Five days a week I play softball 3 evenings, not home until late, and both weekend days. I eat out a lot (friends call me a foodie) but also love to cook in a clean kitchen when I have time. At home I write, love music, thoughtful movies, and enjoy some TV (but always keep the volume so only I can hear unless everyone wants to listen to or watch the same thing).

I've worked in health care most of my career as a Paramedic/LPN, Administrator, Quality Director, Risk Manager (currently licensed in Florida), and currently work for Seminole County as the county Safety Officer. Level 2 Federal background checks are part of work life for me and my last one was last January. I have a lot of respect for Nurses - you are the backbone of quality health care.

So you are, in many ways, right for me as roommates. Professionals in a caring profession who understand the benefit and compromise of roommates.

I am right for you as a roommate in every way but gender and age.

If you don't find a female in your current age range, consider talking to me and finding out more. Ask anything, I respect honesty.

Thanks for reading. If you decide not to respond, I hope you find what you are looking for.

Monday, November 13, 2017

The Late Show

Out of the blue I woke in the middle of the night after letting sleep come before 8:00 pm the evening before and I rolled around for a little while realizing I was not falling back to sleep... I wanted to write. So I wrote a letter to J and then, pondering the concept of friends and especially the term BFF, I searched for the words "BFF is BULLSHIT" to see what i could find because I was feeling the feeling at the moment and I found someone agreeing, I think, and after reading most of the words she wrote, I wrote this back to her. I noticed that I typoed her daughter's name and ought to go back and apologize, but then, the entry was from 2012 and she may never see the comment so I apologize here and if she finds the comment on her blog and responds, I'll apologize there if I find out she responded. The fleeting happenstance of commenting on old blog entries after searching for a momentary phrase is a happenchance, if that is such a word. If you know what I mean, good for you. Understanding usually eliminates the next for explanation... and apologies, for that matter.

Anyway, this is today's contribution to this blog of introductions and whatever... a much ore serious entry than this introduction may suggest, in fact, touches of the core of who I am and my fundamental perspective in this life... but expressing it is sometimes so wonderfully hopeful and peaceful and satisfying that the cavalier smile of the hitchhiker setting off to new adventures is findly spreading through the experience and giving pause for smiles and a giggle or few... as I said, understanding, ya know?... long may we run :)

Years after it was written I find this post as I searched... BFF is bullshit. After reading, I disagree with myself lol. And I thank you for that, if you happen to find this comment.

For Grace (and for you) I hope things are better at school, socially, and in life.

I am just finally coming to that point in a relationship where I see rainbows through the tears and remember wise words that Gary Morris sang - 'it's hard to find a new dream, with an old one in your eyes.' Relationships are very much like dreams. Illusions of bonding and sharing and being "one" with someone else.

Reality is that we are all alone in our bodies and minds and can only share an illusion of being 'together' by mutually buying into being 'together' in the moment and by believing the promise that we will stay 'together' for future moments. That is a relationship, with or without romance.

For six years I lived with someone who called me BFF. I smiled and thought to myself, what a cute new way to say 'best friend' as I reminded myself that forever is an ideal dream not to be trusted and yet, after six years, even though there was no romance or promises beyond "BFF" and always staying in touch, I bought into the concept of always being close and in touch. That ended when she fell in love and suddenly, the daily contact was gone except for texts and lately, even those are drifting away and slowing to the occasional emoji.

It seems so strange to call it 'the grieving process', but it is just that. I may have finally reached acceptance this week as I laugh a bit at the duality of genuinely feeling comfortable with 'BFF is bullshit" and 'I want a BFF' in the same breath.

I want the illusion. I want to share the illusion. 'So sue me,' I say to myself as I laugh at the absurdity and simplicity I find in the feeling.

I hope you and Grace find the relationship(s) you seek in life, whatever they may be. Jackson Browne's "The Late Show' plays in my head as I bid you farewell. A few lines that has carried me through many storms in this life. I'll close with two of them now...

"Now to see things clear it's hard enough I know
When you're waiting for reality to show
When you're dreaming of a perfect love and holding it so high above
you can stumble on to something real and never know..."
and...
"Everyone I've ever known has wished me well
Anyway that's how it seems, it's hard to tell
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing
'Cause that's easier than letting on how little they could care
But when you know that you've got a real friend somewhere
Suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear."
May we all find the real friend... the one who knowingly shares the illusion that we are not alone. :)




Friday, November 3, 2017

Another Never Ending Triial

Not actually a trial in the judge and jury courtroom sense, but then, life is a series of judgments based on perceptions that lead to decisions that lead to actions so from that perspective, every moment is a trial. Will I like or not like this or that? Will I like or not like him or her? Will we communicate? Will we continue to communicate? Will we understand each other? Will we be friends?

I seem to be rather incorrigible, still, hopelessly hopefully reaching out to strangers in that hopelessly hopeful hope of finding friends, at least one who will truly understand me at my depths, who will see beyond the surface and reflective pools I sometimes fall into to find my core where the child gleefully plays in timeless wonder and euphoria that I experience simply from the conscious awareness of being alive in this body in this life. All the words do not come close to explaining or expressing me. A few may have seen me, between the lines or in my eyes, but no one today. No one in the now, at least not for sure. I hope out hope for two, but they may not actually know me in conscious reality.

So here is another attempt at starting a conversation. Another message in a bottle. The conversation, if it continues or not, is part of the new blog, for what it's worth, and the second attempt following a positive response to the first attempt linked previously in this paragraph is below. I was past ready for sleep when I found the email that told me I had a message on the pen pal website and the drive to want to share overcame the closing eyes to respond with yet another mostly introductory letter thusly:

Sleepy here. I rebel against ageism and have since I first experienced it at about four years old. When asked for "age" I sometimes respond why? Especially online. Especially if communicating with someone who will likely never share eye contact due to distance. The age hangup is one of the many delusions people use to judge and build walls and put each other in boxes. Delusions are a waste of time.

My mind still thinks it is four years old, my heart feels like it is always seventeen, my soul or anima or whatever it may be called is as ageless as time itself, my spirit is reborn each time I open my eyes and this body has been doing it's best to keep up with me for 61 years. I think I was about 13 when I first wrote that and it remains my most honest response to "how old are you?"

Hey, you asked lol (hope you are laughing more than rolling your eyes or scratching your head) :)

I would have been asleep a few hours ago as I've gotten little sleep this week, but a shoot out and a dozen police cars and ambulances and news vans and half the neighborhood right outside my door kept me away. I live in a ghetto at the moment, yeah, scary out there. I texted the news and a video to a friend who works for a news station and she was appreciative. I am getting past losing my best friend (we were roommates at work (eight years) and at home (six years), that is, she fell in love and doesn't have time for me anymore. I am happy she is in love, just miss her. I mention that because I did not really have anyone I wanted to call and talk to about the war zone outside my door because don't have anyone close these days except for a few people very sensitive friends who do not deal with anxiety well and I want to apologize for adding to your scary view of the world and also thank you for accepting these words so it feels like I have a friend. Not delusion, just hope.

For clarity, the difference between delusion and illusion for me is delusion someone fooling themselves without knowing it. Illusion is someone creating a perspective and perception of belief with full cognitive awareness. Delusions turn off senses and intelligence. Illusions inspire creativity and learning. Delusions put heads in the sand. Illusions keep heads above ground, sometimes in the clouds, sometimes real as it gets. Or something like that.

"Or something like that" is my way of mocking myself when I sound like a know-it-all. Self-mockery keeps my ego in check. I like laughing at myself. Anyway, Illusions are life. Richard Bach had that right.

I love music. http://heartmindsong.blogspot.com that would be the start of a soundtrack for a movie about me if one was to be made. Those songs are songs that represent me, reflect me, and communicate me to myself and to this world. I also use TV shows to distract myself from loneliness. I dive into the illusion of a cast of characters and let them become imaginary friends or even family. It's one way I deal with loneliness and not having any family. Adopted as an infant, never having any biological family and having delusional adopted families, I create family by adopting people. Most people don't understand that because it may not be completely possible to actually understand and feel the experience of not having biological family ties when one has biological family ties. It is a separation of understanding and empathy I live with.

Curiosity asks me to ask who you might wake up? Your consideration inspires my smile. :)

So much more in my head to write
Really must find sleep tonight
Thank you for inspiring me to
want to write these words to you

Once upon a time I snail mailed to more than a hundred pen friends. I published two pen pal magazines in the late 80s and early 90s. Copies are in storage just north of Niagara Falls. They have been in storage along with hundreds of other boxes since 1995. That is a very long story for another time. Back to snail mail, I have rubber stamped and decorated envelopes and filled boxes with goodies and a whole lot more. I haven't sent a letter with a stamp on it in many years. I don't even write checks and mail payments, everything is electronic. I don't know if that sort of glee will return at the moment for a few reasons, but primarily because of my living situation. Another long story (shorter than others) for another time.

I will find mail at candoor@gmail.com faster than I will here.

Over the last two decades my faith in people and my hope for finding people I can truly trust unconditionally has waned to, at times, frightening proportions. A whole lot of abandonment, betrayal, and some abuse from my first breaths has lead me here. I am still hopelessly hopeful, I just forget I am sometimes lately.

Most of the time I am in a giddy euphoria inside. It's when I look outside that I can feel depressed. Linda Ronstadt singing "You Tell Me That I'm Falling Down" comes to mind a lot lately. I love my world. :)

So here's a little more about me. Tell me about you? Start anywhere and keep going as long as you like.

I appreciate the inspiration you provided :)


Maybe the inspiration will continue...

there's always hope...

Narf :)

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Try Try Again

This time I try a brief hello. Different than most might, certainly, but I still must be me as I do not want to mislead anyone into thinking I am something I am not. I am different than anyone I've ever met, I know it, and the words, even when brief, should reflect that. Sometimes the words do that more than other times. I think this brief introduction might do better than others. Hope remains that a response will follow and then, more.

Are you my mother? lol... It is a reference to a book I read as a child and comes to mind as I read your words in your profile because they so much of what a lot of this life experience has been for me. Hopefully you're laughing too. I am busy enjoying life, yet still want to share more. If I don't return here you can find me at candoor.net and candoor@gmail.com and even on Facebook, sort of lol. May life bring you more smiles than frowns and yes, let's leave this sadly confused world a better place for everyone :)

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Another Pen Pal Introduction

Hi :)

Scrolling down the members page at PenPal world I find your words and face and think to myself, 'really?... someone like me?... that would be a pleasant rarity.'

That was only slightly sarcastic, mostly hopeful and maybe even serious. Sarcasm is the playground for intelligent minds. Sadly, some insecure people use sarcasm as a defense mechanism, some times being mean, and that gives sarcasm a bad name. Your face suggests you don't want to be mean (but sometimes some people make that challenging cuz, well, there are a whole lot of closed minded ignorant people in this world. Laughing, joking, and moving along feels a whole lot better than getting upset or angry.

I read your words and felt like I could have written them. I probably have somewhere along the way in this life. I've written a lot for myself, in letters to friends, in blogs, for work, for fun. Writing is my favorite hobby. It is creative play and learning how I think and feel and therapy and communication and more.

Words and music are a refuge and way to express myself. Listen to Billy Joel's 'Honesty' and Elton John's 'Believe' and the Carpenters 'Need to Be in Love' and John Lennon's 'Imagine' and... wanna know me?... I hope you will listen and read and respond... here is a starting point you can explore at your leisure, dive in as deep as you'd like....
http://heartmindsong.blogspot.com/
http://thevidme.blogspot.com/
http://rhetroric.blogspot.com/

So I liked your profile words. Thank you for the smile it inspired. :)

I look at your photo and wonder if I see understanding and wisdom (my hope) or just a cute innocent person. You can be both, but understanding and wisdom is much more preferable in a pen friend - or any friend.

Some people read my words and tell me I complain. I believe they do not understand me or my writing process. So hoping you still might want to know me, I'll explain and hope you ask for clarity if my explanation is not clear.

I feel. I feel and experience life. I am open to everything. I process all my sensory input and express my observations and reactions. I vent (through writing) the negativity that comes in. There is a lot of negativity out there in this world. I do not ignore it or shut it out, I let it all in (at least as much as I can without hurting myself too much, I mean, feeling the starving children and the innocents dying in wars and the hate and fear causing so much harm in this world is painful) and try to understand it. Writing helps me understand and accept life as it is (and ultimately love it with all it's imperfections). Writing also allows me to dream of what life can be.

One of my goals in this life is to help others, to do something in each moment that inspires a smile and good feeling. I've met people to take advantage of that. My friends do not. I have many acquaintances and friends, but few close friends.

Lately I have felt the hunger to correspond with others again, not just to write in my blogs, but to find some new friends through the written word. So here we are. It starts simply... will you be my friend? :)

I welcome you into my world and hope you find me interesting and/or amusing enough to spark your curiosity enough to respond.

Ask anything, I am an open book. Tell me who you are - anything you feel comfortable sharing is welcome. Write little, write a lot, as you wish.

Hope to hear from you :)

My profile on PenPalWorld (1000 characters is not enough lol):
http://www.penpalworld.com/profile.asp?uid=11305694

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Thursday, September 28, 2017

A Whole New Pen Pal World?

Oh sure, the hopelessly hopeful romantic simply must slip a song reference in the title (hi PJ, wherever you are), but seriously the message I sent on that pen pal website included in the last entry actually was responded to in email and it inspired a whole new blog that might have been called Breathing (and still might, if I ever get around to taking publishing seriously) that shall showcase (ok, collect) the correspondence that blooms from that pen pal website (the ones you cn read here that actually turn into a correspondence you can read there... clever organization, no doubt?). Are the letters worth reading? You can decide for yourself.

Meanwhile, a second message in a bottle was tossed into those pen pal world seas and for your edification and reading pleasures, here it is (I suppose I should not that it was an impulsive message left on the site in response to a profile that said she was sad):

Hug for the sad, hope you find your smile again soon.

I had no intention of leaving any messages, but if a few words from a stranger might help you be a little less sad then I accomplished something tonight. It seems cheesy to say "I hope you find your smile again soon because it is a beautiful smile," but hey, the picture on your profile shows a beautiful smile, so maybe cheesy will help. Say cheesy?

I see Ali McGraw in your smile, in case you know who who she is and in case it matters. I am not trying to be randomly amusing, but it it happens, well, we can share credit and enjoy it.

I may never return to this site, joining yesterday on an impulse and being rather sketchy in my internet travels. For instance, after 10 years on Facebook I might visit there once a month now, or less.

Sometimes I check email. candoor@gmail.com

I seek friends, though find people rather challenging to believe or trust. I think that is mostly because I know one form of love and that is unconditional and that is abused a lot. There is some sad for you.

Still, there is a child inside who believes in John Lennon's "Imagine" even as there's a cynic inside with a thumb up in the air hoping to be picked up by some passing alien freighter. Ah, the hopelessly hopeful romantic sci-fi brain saves me every time. Robert Heinlein's "Time Enough For Love" - a top ten at least. "Hook" "The Princess Bride" "Terminator 2" "V For Vendetta" "ET" "Random Harvest" "Tale of Two Cities" and dozens more. The Moody Blues, Beatles, Billy Joel, Pink Floyd, Jackson Browne, Melissa Etheridge, Harry Chapin, hundreds more.

Random interests that fill my core with inspiration and hope.

Foodie, seriously.

So if I haven't inspired your smile, perhaps I offered enough distraction to help you forget you were sad for a moment. Until now. Ooops.

Maybe the typos will amuse.

Laugh and the world laughs with you - but you don't have to cry alone when you have a friend.

I sincerely will try not to let weeks go by if you respond. Keep in mind that a hundred years ago, weeks was fast service for mail.

I care, it's what I do, that's why I wrote. I know, I'm strange like this, but I am real. I conclude singing Charlie Chaplin's "Smile" ... hoping you do :)