connecting singles revisted

so after a brief nap i went back to the singles site and found a few messages and realized than my initial words were way too open for fairy tale dreamers and unrealistic people, well, this was the original description of me:

a dreamer seeking to share completely open honesty, and perhaps a fool for believing it can happen...

and this was the original description of who i seek:

a dreamer and a fool like me enough to understand, but individual to be all she wants to be...

yeah, i know... of course that is me and who i want, but some clarification was needed based on the few people who reached out to me in the first hour... so i advised would be contacts to read the blogs i will upload when they allow me to and revised the description of me thusly:

a dreamer seeking to share completely open honesty, and perhaps a fool for believing it can happen...

no expectations, no judgments, no rush...

alas, i am also a realist, have little time for online communications, and am not looking for any sort of long distance romance... there was a time i loved correspondence, but at the moment life allows little time for that these days... i love to write and blog often, though time for reading is minimal... i love my work and spend most of my time there... when not working i am playing softball and other sports and games with friends... while home i relax... I'd like to share that and everything else in life...

i am here because the dreamer still dreams and there is always hope for the connection in spite of the limited time i can spend online... since joining last night i wrote some blog entries that introduce me and i will upload them next week if there is time...

i wish you peace, love, and a happy life :)

and the description of who i am looking for was revised as well:

a dreamer and a fool like me enough to understand, but individual to be all she wants to be... most of all completely open honesty without expectations, judgments, or rush...

as a friend, someone willing to understand i have limited time for correspondence and willing to take the time to share completely open honesty to find out how close we can grow...

as an activity partner, someone who enjoys physical exercise, softball, running, writing, reading, music, learning, expanding the mind, enriching the heart, giving, helping others, movies, theatre, arts, playing cards (especially spades), board games, trivia, food, exploring, traveling, and other activities i will add as i think of them...

as a romantic partner, first a friend, close friend, best friend, and activity partner with many similar and compatible interests, preferences, beliefs, ideals, energy level, awareness, and intangibles (chemistry, magic, anima, spirit, aura, whatever we may call it)...

connecting singles

ok, so i joined another free singles site and i hope i don't regret it, but i am going to try to remember to return in seven days when i will be permitted to blog there and in preparation for that, i wrote the following blog entries... we shall see how i edit them if i get them uploaded there... i will be back tomorrow to review since i have been awake all night and sleep is screaming my name...

seven days
if i remembered to come back, then it's been at least seven days since i joined this cyber place and that mean i have access to this blog space... would it be too egocentric to say (or write, in this case, unless you have text to voice on your computer in which case your computer would be saying and i still would be writing, but that's beside the point) that we may never be the same?... well, whether it is or it is not egocentric, it is definitely self-mockery, so don't let it put you off (unless you like being put off... do people come to meeting sites to be put off?... i suppose some do, but again, digression happens, especially in parentheses)... i am really quite a harmless cyber being... when i started online, before people actually used their real names and locations, i was a cartoon character named anonanonanon... my a/s/l was 4/toon/here... it went over smashingly with those who became friends and kept those who didn't understand away most of the time, quite effective nack in the wild wild west days of the internets (who recalls bulliten boards... not that i am into discussing them, just another parenthetic aside)...

if you came here wondering who i am, we might get to that one of these days... if you came here expecting succinct entries, brief and to the point, well, my intention was not to disappoint, you're the one with the expectations after all (nudge nudge wink wink, get it?)... i tend to babble, i do not intend to offend, i hope it does not disturb anyone... feel free to ignore me if you like... if i inspire one smile, i am not wasting time or bandwidth... anybody smiling yet? (if not, give it time... i am a hopeful one, aren't i?)...

thank you for visiting me here and if you are still reading, thank you for reading... are we friends yet? :)


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babbling
what i do with words may be called babbling... i hope that does not break any of the blog rules around here because i don't intend to break any rules, i just write in a meandering style that comes from my free associative thinking process and i never really know where i might end up once i start letting words out except that i am either trying to amuse myself and/or someone else or explain something in a way that inspires a smile even if it's a serious thought (so i tend to tease and play with words a lot and i can be quite misunderstood... i can only hope that anyone who cares will ask for clarification and anyone who doesn't care will just ignore me... those who don't care but just like to judge or bully, well, hopefully they don't make or enforce the rules, right?)... most of my sentences, if you can call them sentences, end with a smile even though i don't stick smiley faces on them (see, i can follow some rules... when i remember lam... by the way, lam is laughing at myself, which i tend to do a lot... hope you don't mind... but then, if you mind, you probably won't read me much, which makes sense... hopefully we all want to make sense, at least most of the time, right?)...

speaking of making sense... making sense in my mind, however, does not always mean the words that come out will make sense in your mind... that's the fun of communication though, finding out what someone really means... what i mean is, hello and welcome to my wayward way with words... if you find yourself smiling (or at least are not yet nauseous, feel free to let me know and come back again or find me in one of my many other babbling places (there are hundreds, no joke... remind me to tell you about them sometime)... as a first blog entry this is may be too much, but then, i am not to much for me and i seek others who do not find me too much... wait, i mean i hope others who do not find me too much do find me a lot, just not too much... i mean, i want to be found, why else would i be here... perhaps you've noticed i am playing with words already... too soon?...

so what goes on around here anyway? :)


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so what shall we do with this blog space?
i may be asking the peanut gallery in my head as there are many possibilities, but what makes the most sense is to say hello and introduce myself... hello, you can call me ric (cuz it's my name) and i will do my best to answer any question you may have because i might miss something in my rambling on and on about myself (which is something i usually do with my tongue in my cheek, which can get distracting or even painful if i forget it is there)... while i love to write, i don't necessarily love to write about myself so i find ways to fool myself into writing about myself kind of coming at it sideways like this... what i shall try to do tonight is continue writing to you, imaginary friends, as if you want to know me and after a while, we will hopefully have an entry or few that introduce me as much as an entry or few can (this could take a while, ya know?)...

honesty is my highest ideal and i do my best to live up to it even though actualizing honesty does not go over well as most people, well, to put it bluntly, lie to themselves... few people really want to share the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... not that i don't like creativity and fantasy and pretending, but from my perspective lying, no matter how subconscious or well-intended, is a waste of time and i prefer not to waste my time as time is brief in this life... sharing, genuinely sharing, whatever the activity from watching the sunset to doing the dishes to dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight (i seem to like that phrase, but that i believe in devils or gods or much beyond our senses) is never a waste of time... that's an important aspect of my perspective and who i am...


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are we friends yet?
a lot of irreverence in that question as the definition of the word friend varies rather widely even in my mind and even more widely when groups difine the word... there are facebook friends and cyber friends and long distance friends and best friends and friends with benefits and close friends and with friends like these who needs enemies type friends and many other types of friends, so asking are we friends yet? is amusing to me even if we spend time getting to know each other, but asking it in a blog entry title is even more amusing for me, at least, as i we don't even know each other... we might be wanna-be friends, sincerely, even, but... and then on the other hand, there is another perspective...

we are part of the same species, after all... the family of man, or so the phrase goes... we are genetically related, no matter how distant our relations... but that doesn't mean we're friends, i mean, there are families that don't even like each other, ya know?... so while there is an idealistic child inside of me who wants to believe that we are family and everybody everywhere is my friend, i've known betrayal of trust enough to keep that idealistic child inside (most of the time, i mean, nobody's perfect... but there are perfect intentions, yes, and it is my intention to be your friend)... eureka, the parentheses did not digress for a change... yes, my intention for coming here and pouring words into this place is not just to get them out of the head (though there is only so much room up there), my intention is to find friends...

so are we friends yet?...

don't answer all at once ;)


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planning ahead
i work a lot as in many hours of each day are spent taking care of business (in my case that is the business of taking care of others in a health care facility, in case you wanted to know... that is not the answer to the question 'what you you do?' because i do many things and taking care of other in a health care facility is just one of the many things i do, but it is what i do for business in exchange for money, though money is only part of the reason i do it and not the primary reason i do it, but i may be digressing a bit so if you wish to know more about my business, for money or not, feel free to ask... we'll just nonchalantlt slip out of this parentheses now if that's ok with you... and if it isn't well, by the time i get your message it will be too late so be quicker next time, m'ok?) so in order to get all of the thoughts bouncing around in the brain i loosely call mine out in some reasonably understandable way, i take a few hours each week, or longer if i can make more time, and let the words stream out like they are doing here... stream of consciousness, i've heard it called... it makes for an uncluttered head and provides blog entries for those days out of the week (which are most) that are too busy for writing freely as i am doing now...

we might say i am planning ahead, especially since i had to wait seven days before i could post my first entry here... i don't plan ahead much in this life, but apparently i am learning how... i didn't say i do it well :)


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all night long
some nights i write all night long... the words start flowing and they just keep coming one after the other (sometimes they even make a modicum of sense, he says with some sort of modest self-mockery... i am really quite a humble person, i just play an egotist sometimes when i write cuz i like to laugh at myself, or lam which is lol at me, see?)... before i know it the sun is also rising and a new day has begun (literary and lyrical references will salt and pepper my babbling when we least expect it, so if you like consider it a game if you can find and name any or all of them... i do, but you do as you wish... i sometimes use italics, but that might be considered cheating if we were purists... any purists among us?... did i just raise my hand?... that's one of those in-person questions you'll just have to guess at for now... let's just say i can be, but don't have to be if i don't want to be... ya falla?)...

but about this tendancy i have to write all night long (at least when i am along), as you may have noticed i don't always have something specific to write about (though i will make an effort to here since i think that's in the rules) and still, at least occasionally, i might find the words falling together to create something worth reading (wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, aye?) cuz there's always hope (i hope)...

if nothing else there is usually some tid bit of information about me (even if it's unintentional) in most of my babblings... unless it's fiction or poetry not meant to be about me, but hopefully we can tell the different... just ask if you are not sure... i mean, if you care to know... i'm not trying to tell you what to do or anything, after all... i'm not control freak, not me (not i, not me, so there!... i still won't grow up though... see, there's something about me right there... as responsible as i am in business and caring for others and all sorts of activities, i'll still climb a tree if i want to... or fly a kite, up to the highest height, even)...

i have to remind myself that a body needs sleep sometimes...


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so where were we?
getting to know me, getting to know all about me... getting to like me, hoping that you like me too... or something like that... so just how shall we go about doing this getting to know each other thing?... twenty questions?... do you dance with the devil in the pale moon light?... wait, i asked that already... it may not be amusing the second time around so nevermind... besides, i'm not really sure what it means, but i probably have done it on occasion as i tend to be open to anything that causes no harm at least once... i am not into causing harm, pain, or any sort of distress... negative energy is useful only to channel back into positive energy in my world... sometimes i think i am an alien... other times i feel sure i must be... anyway, all serious irreverence aside (there is more seriousness in my irreverence than in most people's seriousness and more irreverence in my seriousness than anybody really cares to explore, in case you didn't notice yet)... i think in rhythm and feel in rhyme and songs flow out from time to time... musicians seeking lyrics can apply within... actually, my first doctor was theodor geisel and after all my years in the health care field, he's still the doctor i respect the most...

speaking of the health care field, i was an emt (emergency medical technician) or paramedic and lpn (licensed practical nurse) once upon a time in texas and california... i returned to new york and did not transfer the license as i explored other interests and returned to work directly with with the label (i detest labels) intellectually diabled (which recently changed from developmentally disabled and prior to that was mentally retarded... i think labels are mentally retarded and people who like to use them are intellectually disabled, but we all have our openings, no doubt)... i also worked in a psychiatric hospital for children and adolescences for a while... i have a license in health care risk management and currently wear the label intermediate care facility administrator when the agency for health care administration comes around and the director of cluster services which is the title the non-profit organization i work gave me... i help people, that's what i do...

music is the fluid that carries my spirits through my souls and words are the cells forming the bodies of my dreams... not that i am any sort of expert on souls, that is, but the word seems to reach deep into the core for most people (and not just shoemakers) so i use it with poetic license and any assumed reference to any god or gods is purely in the mind of the beholder... we've all got some sort of personality energy that connects us to others with similar personality energy, whatever we believe, and that's enough spirituality for me most of the time... i like science, numbers, logic, sensuality, innocence, intelligent nonsense, curiosity, honesty, balance, and chocolate (not necessarily in that order), among dozens of other things i would rather not do without... what is essential to my happiness is honesty, everything else is just a game... i like games as long as there is a safe word of sort that says all kidding aside, this is my bottom line truth... i like getting to know someone's bottom line truths...

what else do you want to know (there's lots more, i am a rather multi-faceted person, really i am) :)


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this blogging life
that's the name of one of my many blogs, actually, though i seldom visit it... my daily at the moment is (e)thereal but let's not go searching through the 602,000,000 results google might give you as i am not trying to advertise here, just reflecting on this blogging life that we bloggers have chosen to make part of the rest of our life (i always hope there is a lot more to life than blogging when i find a blogger who blogs a lot cuz i've found some rather sad and lonely people online who forget that life is not lived here, life is merely shared here and this is just one way to share life... the most important ways are in the physical world {and i don't mean sex, not that i have anything against sex, on the contrary, sex is a beautiful experience everyone should share at least once, daily, or more [stop me before monty python comes out... and i so did not mean that to be a double entendre but it may be too late to pull it back in] especially when shared, but that's beside the point, mostly} with eye contact and all the other senses)...

start again (i truly do love the irreverence of that british comedy group, rally i do)... i don't believe in hiding (i am an open book, turn my pages by asking questions), but i do understand the rules about no personal information in blog posts because there is so much potential for unwanted attention online and nobody wants unwanted attention knocking on their door, so if this entry is deleted i hope they save the comments... fact is, this getting to know me process would be quite incomplete without mentioning that i write daily and have dozens of blohs online for dozens of different thought streams, subjects, creative outlets, and various reasons and writing is as much a part of me as singing and breathing and sharing is what i love to do, hence the public blogging... i change the names to respect privacy (hey, just because i am an open book does not mean everybody i know wants to be... i'm the alien among us, remember? lol lam)... before long i may find time to rhyme (non-rhyming poetry takes too much time) and drop a few lyrical ditties in the poetry section here... who knows, maybe the one will find me and we'll fall in love and live happily ever after... or something like that...

i see blog entries kinda like messages in bottles tossed on the cyber seas... if the words wash up on your shore and you find value or amusement, wonderful... if not, just toss them back... one of my goals in life is to share caring with friends and another is to share everything with someone who can and wants to (and will) share everything with me (yeah, i am that sort of hopelessly hopeful romantic), so all the messages in bottles have that purpose too... i don't hold my breathe (unless i'm under water), putting the words on the web just let me imagine sharing until the sharing arrives...

makes sense to me, but then, i'm committed (or could be) :)


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welcome to my madhouse
ever read kahlil hibran's 'the madhouse'?... it's one of the interesting bits of prose that make too much sense to me (that is, i can see so many reasons to want it to be something everyone understands)... we each live in our heads and in many ways, each mind is an individual madhouse or place that only makes complete sense to the one living inside (if we're lucky... i know a lot of people who are lost in their own mind and seek clarity and answers and control outside of themselves, which is so sad and destructive for humanity and gives gibran's tale a whole other reflection, but let's hope you understand yourself and know you are in control of your choices and actions cuz if you are not sure of that, well, we may not even begin to see eye to eye) and it is my hope that you find your madhouse the place most comfortable for you as i do mine (or sharing will be challenging)... sharing minds takes a lot of time and patience and inquiry and explanation and clarification and sometimes, effort... i hope you find i am worth the effort and seek those who inspire me to make the effort and time...

i believe in honesty... i don't believe in conformity... that doesn't mean i believe in non-conformity, but i support it as long as it does no intentional harm and adjusts as necessary to avoid any harm... we humans are a rather harmful lot, all in all... insensitive destructive oafs, mostly bullying our way through life insensitive to the effect we have on others or the world around us... i do my best to be as sensitive to my impact on everything outside of me as possible, even if every step i take is not as harmless as it can be... for instance, i recycle, mostly... i avoid poisons, mostly (i indulge my sweet tooth regularly and sometimes allow my taste buds to choose my meal choices even when there are healthier choices)... i drive a car with a gas combustion engine and try to remember the planet we live on each time i start it up... i stay up all night writing, skipping sleep, now and then... i do not, however, pretend i don't know what i am doing or suppress the destructive choices i make... i just hope the planet and this body can absorb and process the poisons i create and consume in this life and do my best to keep them to a minimum...

i lived a vegan life for a few years and a vegetarian life for longer, but i eat as an omnivore now though the majority of my dietary choices are not animal... i believe in a natural balance and given unlimited funds, i would live very differently than i do, but to accumulate unlimited funds in this world takes a lot of luck or more compromises than i cared to make so i live comfortably balanced between total destruction and zero carbon footprint... at least i think i do... what i am most sure of in this life is that the more right i think i am, the more wrong i can be... so i strive to always keep an open mind to learn and grow and do the best i can do to be as happy and harmless as i can be... it is a balance and i seek someone who choose a compatible balance... a compatible madhouse...


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why i am alone today
actually, i don't live alone... i live with my best friend and she has a dog and a cat that i've adopted over the year (we've lived together most of the last five or six years), but we are not each other's soulmate or the one (know the elton john song?), we just keep each other company and comforted and semi-sane on this journey through this world... but i am not with 'the one' after many years of desperately trying to share and help and save and bond and understand and trust and love and share and help and whatever , i chose to be alone most of the time at this opoint in this life because too many people are just too confused to get close to without getting hit by some part of their irrational fears or other negative energy... i tried a few times and thought i found 'the one' twice, but i asked for too much honesty and we drifted away from each other... it is sad to be lonely, but i finally decided it is better than the constant battle to mend them...

i tired of climbing the walls to get into other's madhouses so i decided to stay in my own... at least, this way, i can enjoy my inner glee, my happiness and peace, even if it is all by myself...

but the dream that the one will find me remains...


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i like small breasts and i do not lie
now you might think that is a reference to a song about big butts, or a lie, but it's true... i do not lie... and i like small breasts... it's a fat intolerance thing, no offense intended, i just don't want fat on me (which is why i amdropping the excess weight before any more of it becomes pure fat (the saggy squishy kind... my fat is still firm, thank you lol lam)... seriously, it's this repulsion i have had since early childhood... i was told i would cry as a baby when a squishy-fat person would hold me... call me weird, but a doctor once suggested to my mother that it was an instinctive reaction that was based in sensing healthy bodies and rejecting unhealthy bodies because i was hypersensitive to cellular energies... she was a new age kind of doctor... they were always looking for some rational explanations for my weirdness... i saw a lot of doctors when i was a little person... the psychiatrists were the most interesting ones, which may be what lead me to the health care field and caring for those called the disabled... everyone i've ever known has been disabled, especially mentally... people think in such strange ways...

anyway, i hope i haven't broken any rules (not that i would care about rules except i wouldn't want any of my words deleted cuz that would make the time and energy i put into writing them a waste and i don't want to be a waste, i mean, just because someone does not like something someone else does, that's not a reason to destroy it... and not fitting in does not make someone worthless, so hopefully these words have some worth for you, not just me...

everything i write is some sort of introduction to me, unless it's just creative play... to know the difference, all you need to do is ask... or look into my eyes as you read the words (that's the fun way of finding out)... so please don't be offended by anything i write (unless you really want to) because it is never my intention to offend (and it's not fair to read into my words what i don't mean to put here, ya know?)...

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what my blog?

somewhat impulsively, as are most of my internet "connections", i clicked on the "join" button for a group on facebook... and the person managing the group responded, quite innocently i imagine, with:

Thanks for your request to join Central Florida Bloggers. Could you provide information about your blog?

and i responded, just as impulsively...

Hi... I am a relatively solitary blogger babbling on in my many blogs to anyone and everyone and no one and most of all, perhaps, to myself... i have a few very devoted friends who read often and comment almost never (they email now and then), but even as my ego toys with the concept of fan in a self-mocking irreverence, i have learned to be a very poor correspondent (in another life, or at least last century, i published a paper magazine for people who sought pen pals and corresponded avidly with hundred or people... even lived with one i met through words back then... i scribbled on a few dozen pages of the 1000 journals project and was very active on the web in assorted chats and boards and other places until early in this century when i went back to working a day job that occupies much of my time... so the last ten years or so are very self-indulgent whines and rants about what a burden giving everything to others and not having time for myself is, in between free-associative rambling that might only make sense to me and others who share a bit of my peculiar perspective, or madness, depending on perspective... looking back, i spent time on diaryland, livejournal, and my own website, though sadly thousands of pages of my websites were deleted by ATT, Disney, and other corporations along the way, so most of my more active blogs are on blogger these days... did i mention i babble?... my profile has links to some of my blogs.. and this is sort of a table of contents... http://rhetroric.blogspot.com/2011/06/blogs-and-other-strangers.html