The Late Show

Out of the blue I woke in the middle of the night after letting sleep come before 8:00 pm the evening before and I rolled around for a little while realizing I was not falling back to sleep... I wanted to write. So I wrote a letter to J and then, pondering the concept of friends and especially the term BFF, I searched for the words "BFF is BULLSHIT" to see what i could find because I was feeling the feeling at the moment and I found someone agreeing, I think, and after reading most of the words she wrote, I wrote this back to her. I noticed that I typoed her daughter's name and ought to go back and apologize, but then, the entry was from 2012 and she may never see the comment so I apologize here and if she finds the comment on her blog and responds, I'll apologize there if I find out she responded. The fleeting happenstance of commenting on old blog entries after searching for a momentary phrase is a happenchance, if that is such a word. If you know what I mean, good for you. Understanding usually eliminates the next for explanation... and apologies, for that matter.

Anyway, this is today's contribution to this blog of introductions and whatever... a much ore serious entry than this introduction may suggest, in fact, touches of the core of who I am and my fundamental perspective in this life... but expressing it is sometimes so wonderfully hopeful and peaceful and satisfying that the cavalier smile of the hitchhiker setting off to new adventures is findly spreading through the experience and giving pause for smiles and a giggle or few... as I said, understanding, ya know?... long may we run :)

Years after it was written I find this post as I searched... BFF is bullshit. After reading, I disagree with myself lol. And I thank you for that, if you happen to find this comment.

For Grace (and for you) I hope things are better at school, socially, and in life.

I am just finally coming to that point in a relationship where I see rainbows through the tears and remember wise words that Gary Morris sang - 'it's hard to find a new dream, with an old one in your eyes.' Relationships are very much like dreams. Illusions of bonding and sharing and being "one" with someone else.

Reality is that we are all alone in our bodies and minds and can only share an illusion of being 'together' by mutually buying into being 'together' in the moment and by believing the promise that we will stay 'together' for future moments. That is a relationship, with or without romance.

For six years I lived with someone who called me BFF. I smiled and thought to myself, what a cute new way to say 'best friend' as I reminded myself that forever is an ideal dream not to be trusted and yet, after six years, even though there was no romance or promises beyond "BFF" and always staying in touch, I bought into the concept of always being close and in touch. That ended when she fell in love and suddenly, the daily contact was gone except for texts and lately, even those are drifting away and slowing to the occasional emoji.

It seems so strange to call it 'the grieving process', but it is just that. I may have finally reached acceptance this week as I laugh a bit at the duality of genuinely feeling comfortable with 'BFF is bullshit" and 'I want a BFF' in the same breath.

I want the illusion. I want to share the illusion. 'So sue me,' I say to myself as I laugh at the absurdity and simplicity I find in the feeling.

I hope you and Grace find the relationship(s) you seek in life, whatever they may be. Jackson Browne's "The Late Show' plays in my head as I bid you farewell. A few lines that has carried me through many storms in this life. I'll close with two of them now...

"Now to see things clear it's hard enough I know
When you're waiting for reality to show
When you're dreaming of a perfect love and holding it so high above
you can stumble on to something real and never know..."
and...
"Everyone I've ever known has wished me well
Anyway that's how it seems, it's hard to tell
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing
'Cause that's easier than letting on how little they could care
But when you know that you've got a real friend somewhere
Suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear."
May we all find the real friend... the one who knowingly shares the illusion that we are not alone. :)

Another Never Ending Triial

Not actually a trial in the judge and jury courtroom sense, but then, life is a series of judgments based on perceptions that lead to decisions that lead to actions so from that perspective, every moment is a trial. Will I like or not like this or that? Will I like or not like him or her? Will we communicate? Will we continue to communicate? Will we understand each other? Will we be friends?

I seem to be rather incorrigible, still, hopelessly hopefully reaching out to strangers in that hopelessly hopeful hope of finding friends, at least one who will truly understand me at my depths, who will see beyond the surface and reflective pools I sometimes fall into to find my core where the child gleefully plays in timeless wonder and euphoria that I experience simply from the conscious awareness of being alive in this body in this life. All the words do not come close to explaining or expressing me. A few may have seen me, between the lines or in my eyes, but no one today. No one in the now, at least not for sure. I hope out hope for two, but they may not actually know me in conscious reality.

So here is another attempt at starting a conversation. Another message in a bottle. The conversation, if it continues or not, is part of the new blog, for what it's worth, and the second attempt following a positive response to the first attempt linked previously in this paragraph is below. I was past ready for sleep when I found the email that told me I had a message on the pen pal website and the drive to want to share overcame the closing eyes to respond with yet another mostly introductory letter thusly:

Sleepy here. I rebel against ageism and have since I first experienced it at about four years old. When asked for "age" I sometimes respond why? Especially online. Especially if communicating with someone who will likely never share eye contact due to distance. The age hangup is one of the many delusions people use to judge and build walls and put each other in boxes. Delusions are a waste of time.

My mind still thinks it is four years old, my heart feels like it is always seventeen, my soul or anima or whatever it may be called is as ageless as time itself, my spirit is reborn each time I open my eyes and this body has been doing it's best to keep up with me for 61 years. I think I was about 13 when I first wrote that and it remains my most honest response to "how old are you?"

Hey, you asked lol (hope you are laughing more than rolling your eyes or scratching your head) :)

I would have been asleep a few hours ago as I've gotten little sleep this week, but a shoot out and a dozen police cars and ambulances and news vans and half the neighborhood right outside my door kept me away. I live in a ghetto at the moment, yeah, scary out there. I texted the news and a video to a friend who works for a news station and she was appreciative. I am getting past losing my best friend (we were roommates at work (eight years) and at home (six years), that is, she fell in love and doesn't have time for me anymore. I am happy she is in love, just miss her. I mention that because I did not really have anyone I wanted to call and talk to about the war zone outside my door because don't have anyone close these days except for a few people very sensitive friends who do not deal with anxiety well and I want to apologize for adding to your scary view of the world and also thank you for accepting these words so it feels like I have a friend. Not delusion, just hope.

For clarity, the difference between delusion and illusion for me is delusion someone fooling themselves without knowing it. Illusion is someone creating a perspective and perception of belief with full cognitive awareness. Delusions turn off senses and intelligence. Illusions inspire creativity and learning. Delusions put heads in the sand. Illusions keep heads above ground, sometimes in the clouds, sometimes real as it gets. Or something like that.

"Or something like that" is my way of mocking myself when I sound like a know-it-all. Self-mockery keeps my ego in check. I like laughing at myself. Anyway, Illusions are life. Richard Bach had that right.

I love music. http://heartmindsong.blogspot.com that would be the start of a soundtrack for a movie about me if one was to be made. Those songs are songs that represent me, reflect me, and communicate me to myself and to this world. I also use TV shows to distract myself from loneliness. I dive into the illusion of a cast of characters and let them become imaginary friends or even family. It's one way I deal with loneliness and not having any family. Adopted as an infant, never having any biological family and having delusional adopted families, I create family by adopting people. Most people don't understand that because it may not be completely possible to actually understand and feel the experience of not having biological family ties when one has biological family ties. It is a separation of understanding and empathy I live with.

Curiosity asks me to ask who you might wake up? Your consideration inspires my smile. :)

So much more in my head to write
Really must find sleep tonight
Thank you for inspiring me to
want to write these words to you

Once upon a time I snail mailed to more than a hundred pen friends. I published two pen pal magazines in the late 80s and early 90s. Copies are in storage just north of Niagara Falls. They have been in storage along with hundreds of other boxes since 1995. That is a very long story for another time. Back to snail mail, I have rubber stamped and decorated envelopes and filled boxes with goodies and a whole lot more. I haven't sent a letter with a stamp on it in many years. I don't even write checks and mail payments, everything is electronic. I don't know if that sort of glee will return at the moment for a few reasons, but primarily because of my living situation. Another long story (shorter than others) for another time.

I will find mail at candoor@gmail.com faster than I will here.

Over the last two decades my faith in people and my hope for finding people I can truly trust unconditionally has waned to, at times, frightening proportions. A whole lot of abandonment, betrayal, and some abuse from my first breaths has lead me here. I am still hopelessly hopeful, I just forget I am sometimes lately.

Most of the time I am in a giddy euphoria inside. It's when I look outside that I can feel depressed. Linda Ronstadt singing "You Tell Me That I'm Falling Down" comes to mind a lot lately. I love my world. :)

So here's a little more about me. Tell me about you? Start anywhere and keep going as long as you like.

I appreciate the inspiration you provided :)

Maybe the inspiration will continue...

there's always hope...

Narf :)

Try Try Again

This time I try a brief hello. Different than most might, certainly, but I still must be me as I do not want to mislead anyone into thinking I am something I am not. I am different than anyone I've ever met, I know it, and the words, even when brief, should reflect that. Sometimes the words do that more than other times. I think this brief introduction might do better than others. Hope remains that a response will follow and then, more.

Are you my mother? lol... It is a reference to a book I read as a child and comes to mind as I read your words in your profile because they so much of what a lot of this life experience has been for me. Hopefully you're laughing too. I am busy enjoying life, yet still want to share more. If I don't return here you can find me at candoor.net and candoor@gmail.com and even on Facebook, sort of lol. May life bring you more smiles than frowns and yes, let's leave this sadly confused world a better place for everyone :)