I seem to be rather incorrigible, still, hopelessly hopefully reaching out to strangers in that hopelessly hopeful hope of finding friends, at least one who will truly understand me at my depths, who will see beyond the surface and reflective pools I sometimes fall into to find my core where the child gleefully plays in timeless wonder and euphoria that I experience simply from the conscious awareness of being alive in this body in this life. All the words do not come close to explaining or expressing me. A few may have seen me, between the lines or in my eyes, but no one today. No one in the now, at least not for sure. I hope out hope for two, but they may not actually know me in conscious reality.
So here is another attempt at starting a conversation. Another message in a bottle. The conversation, if it continues or not, is part of the new blog, for what it's worth, and the second attempt following a positive response to the first attempt linked previously in this paragraph is below. I was past ready for sleep when I found the email that told me I had a message on the pen pal website and the drive to want to share overcame the closing eyes to respond with yet another mostly introductory letter thusly:
Sleepy here. I rebel against ageism and have since I first experienced it at about four years old. When asked for "age" I sometimes respond why? Especially online. Especially if communicating with someone who will likely never share eye contact due to distance. The age hangup is one of the many delusions people use to judge and build walls and put each other in boxes. Delusions are a waste of time.
My mind still thinks it is four years old, my heart feels like it is always seventeen, my soul or anima or whatever it may be called is as ageless as time itself, my spirit is reborn each time I open my eyes and this body has been doing it's best to keep up with me for 61 years. I think I was about 13 when I first wrote that and it remains my most honest response to "how old are you?"
Hey, you asked lol (hope you are laughing more than rolling your eyes or scratching your head) :)
I would have been asleep a few hours ago as I've gotten little sleep this week, but a shoot out and a dozen police cars and ambulances and news vans and half the neighborhood right outside my door kept me away. I live in a ghetto at the moment, yeah, scary out there. I texted the news and a video to a friend who works for a news station and she was appreciative. I am getting past losing my best friend (we were roommates at work (eight years) and at home (six years), that is, she fell in love and doesn't have time for me anymore. I am happy she is in love, just miss her. I mention that because I did not really have anyone I wanted to call and talk to about the war zone outside my door because don't have anyone close these days except for a few people very sensitive friends who do not deal with anxiety well and I want to apologize for adding to your scary view of the world and also thank you for accepting these words so it feels like I have a friend. Not delusion, just hope.
For clarity, the difference between delusion and illusion for me is delusion someone fooling themselves without knowing it. Illusion is someone creating a perspective and perception of belief with full cognitive awareness. Delusions turn off senses and intelligence. Illusions inspire creativity and learning. Delusions put heads in the sand. Illusions keep heads above ground, sometimes in the clouds, sometimes real as it gets. Or something like that.
"Or something like that" is my way of mocking myself when I sound like a know-it-all. Self-mockery keeps my ego in check. I like laughing at myself. Anyway, Illusions are life. Richard Bach had that right.
I love music. http://heartmindsong.blogspot.com that would be the start of a soundtrack for a movie about me if one was to be made. Those songs are songs that represent me, reflect me, and communicate me to myself and to this world. I also use TV shows to distract myself from loneliness. I dive into the illusion of a cast of characters and let them become imaginary friends or even family. It's one way I deal with loneliness and not having any family. Adopted as an infant, never having any biological family and having delusional adopted families, I create family by adopting people. Most people don't understand that because it may not be completely possible to actually understand and feel the experience of not having biological family ties when one has biological family ties. It is a separation of understanding and empathy I live with.
Curiosity asks me to ask who you might wake up? Your consideration inspires my smile. :)So much more in my head to write
Really must find sleep tonight
Thank you for inspiring me to
want to write these words to you
Once upon a time I snail mailed to more than a hundred pen friends. I published two pen pal magazines in the late 80s and early 90s. Copies are in storage just north of Niagara Falls. They have been in storage along with hundreds of other boxes since 1995. That is a very long story for another time. Back to snail mail, I have rubber stamped and decorated envelopes and filled boxes with goodies and a whole lot more. I haven't sent a letter with a stamp on it in many years. I don't even write checks and mail payments, everything is electronic. I don't know if that sort of glee will return at the moment for a few reasons, but primarily because of my living situation. Another long story (shorter than others) for another time.
I will find mail at candoor@gmail.com faster than I will here.
Over the last two decades my faith in people and my hope for finding people I can truly trust unconditionally has waned to, at times, frightening proportions. A whole lot of abandonment, betrayal, and some abuse from my first breaths has lead me here. I am still hopelessly hopeful, I just forget I am sometimes lately.
Most of the time I am in a giddy euphoria inside. It's when I look outside that I can feel depressed. Linda Ronstadt singing "You Tell Me That I'm Falling Down" comes to mind a lot lately. I love my world. :)
So here's a little more about me. Tell me about you? Start anywhere and keep going as long as you like.
I appreciate the inspiration you provided :)
Maybe the inspiration will continue...
there's always hope...
Narf :)
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