Monday, November 13, 2017

The Late Show

Out of the blue I woke in the middle of the night after letting sleep come before 8:00 pm the evening before and I rolled around for a little while realizing I was not falling back to sleep... I wanted to write. So I wrote a letter to J and then, pondering the concept of friends and especially the term BFF, I searched for the words "BFF is BULLSHIT" to see what i could find because I was feeling the feeling at the moment and I found someone agreeing, I think, and after reading most of the words she wrote, I wrote this back to her. I noticed that I typoed her daughter's name and ought to go back and apologize, but then, the entry was from 2012 and she may never see the comment so I apologize here and if she finds the comment on her blog and responds, I'll apologize there if I find out she responded. The fleeting happenstance of commenting on old blog entries after searching for a momentary phrase is a happenchance, if that is such a word. If you know what I mean, good for you. Understanding usually eliminates the next for explanation... and apologies, for that matter.

Anyway, this is today's contribution to this blog of introductions and whatever... a much ore serious entry than this introduction may suggest, in fact, touches of the core of who I am and my fundamental perspective in this life... but expressing it is sometimes so wonderfully hopeful and peaceful and satisfying that the cavalier smile of the hitchhiker setting off to new adventures is findly spreading through the experience and giving pause for smiles and a giggle or few... as I said, understanding, ya know?... long may we run :)

Years after it was written I find this post as I searched... BFF is bullshit. After reading, I disagree with myself lol. And I thank you for that, if you happen to find this comment.

For Grace (and for you) I hope things are better at school, socially, and in life.

I am just finally coming to that point in a relationship where I see rainbows through the tears and remember wise words that Gary Morris sang - 'it's hard to find a new dream, with an old one in your eyes.' Relationships are very much like dreams. Illusions of bonding and sharing and being "one" with someone else.

Reality is that we are all alone in our bodies and minds and can only share an illusion of being 'together' by mutually buying into being 'together' in the moment and by believing the promise that we will stay 'together' for future moments. That is a relationship, with or without romance.

For six years I lived with someone who called me BFF. I smiled and thought to myself, what a cute new way to say 'best friend' as I reminded myself that forever is an ideal dream not to be trusted and yet, after six years, even though there was no romance or promises beyond "BFF" and always staying in touch, I bought into the concept of always being close and in touch. That ended when she fell in love and suddenly, the daily contact was gone except for texts and lately, even those are drifting away and slowing to the occasional emoji.

It seems so strange to call it 'the grieving process', but it is just that. I may have finally reached acceptance this week as I laugh a bit at the duality of genuinely feeling comfortable with 'BFF is bullshit" and 'I want a BFF' in the same breath.

I want the illusion. I want to share the illusion. 'So sue me,' I say to myself as I laugh at the absurdity and simplicity I find in the feeling.

I hope you and Grace find the relationship(s) you seek in life, whatever they may be. Jackson Browne's "The Late Show' plays in my head as I bid you farewell. A few lines that has carried me through many storms in this life. I'll close with two of them now...

"Now to see things clear it's hard enough I know
When you're waiting for reality to show
When you're dreaming of a perfect love and holding it so high above
you can stumble on to something real and never know..."
"Everyone I've ever known has wished me well
Anyway that's how it seems, it's hard to tell
Maybe people only ask you how you're doing
'Cause that's easier than letting on how little they could care
But when you know that you've got a real friend somewhere
Suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear."
May we all find the real friend... the one who knowingly shares the illusion that we are not alone. :)

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